In the Spirit of Purim

 Recently, a good, comedic friend of mine was asked to write a few articles for Ha'Modia's upcoming Purim issue. Rather than immediately invest a few hours to brainstorm, Eli's decided to first send The Purim Story… Well Sorta, a composition he had written for another publication a few years back.

A few hours later.....
The editor of Ha'Modia sent back the following critique:

Disclaimer: This article and its response is 100% authentic. It has been said that the comments could be funnier than the actual article

Eli on Purim

Okay, I read your piece, and I’ve made a short list of the things that would bother Hamodia, so you have some idea. I don’t know how much you know about them, but they’re basically for an audience who views everything as assur. Like take whatever Lakewood holds is assur and add that to whatever Chassidim think is assur, and that’s your audience. The editors don’t necessarily feel that way, but here’s the thing: With the entire newspaper industry fighting a losing battle against the internet, the only paper that is going to be left standing is the one whose audience believes the internet is assur. It’s all the frummies who are keeping Hamodia in business. So they don’t want to offend ANYBODY. They also have an official mashgiach, who reads everything, and every once in a while, I discover a new thing that they like to censor.

So you know, it is still possible to write humor under these conditions. I’ve been doing it for almost six years now, and I’m nearing 300 columns.

Anyway, here are some things that you mentioned in your article that Hamodia will ask you to replace (I’m not saying for sure, just in my experience):

1. Page 1 – references to professional sports
2. Page 1 – the party only had non-kosher food? They might not like you contradicting a midrash
3. Page 1 – can’t mention goyish comedians by name
4. Page 1 – can’t show Jews liking bacon. Even if you’re right and they did like it, hamodia would not consider that a laughing matter.
5. Page 1 – reference to a goyishe song
6. Page 1 – not sure you could talk about facebook. I’ve always been afraid to go there in my columns.
7. Page 1 – can’t reference girlie movies (or any movies, really) – also on page 2, page 3, page 4, page 5, page 6
8. Page 1 – not sure they will like you mentioning hitler in any way in a humor piece. Too soon.
9. Page 2 – reference to celebrities and required knowledge of what American Idol is
10. (Page 2 – the pinky and the brain references will probably go over their heads)
11. Page 2 – reference to modern family. And tivo
12. Page 2 – reference to mel Gibson who is a huge anti-semite, but only famous because of movies, and Hamodia reads aren’t supposed to know who he is.
13. Page 3 – oj simpson, Charlie sheen, steven spielberg, mel gibson
14. Page 3 – I’m not even sure you can reference a maccabeats song that was a parody of goyishe song
15. Page 4 – starbucks is chalav stam. This actually got cut from one of my articles once.
16. Page 4 – Seinfeld reference
17. Page 4 – amazon
18. Page 5 – professional sports
19. Page 5 – hamodia might think you’re implying that mordechai’s feet smell worse than garbage
20. Page 5 – bert and ernie. Also the lion king song reference
21. Page 5 – was there really a third party? I thought there were only 2
22. Page 6 – they’re not going to love you giving G-d dialogue, no matter how respectful
23. Page 7 – you might not be allowed to mention a non-jewish holiday.

        Anyway, I don’t mean to hurt you in any way, I’m just trying to teach you the rules. Once you take out what I told you to, you’ll be left with like two jokes. It’s just important that you know the rules before planning a new piece. Oh, and also, no references to shaving (Chassidim don’t do that), women driving (again, Chassidim), shidduch dating (Chassidim don’t believe in that), and this is even though most of their audience is not actually chassidish. Also, nothing that is halachically assur or questionable or frowned upon by rabbonim, unless you’re going to excuse it in the very next senence, and often not even THEN. How I made it to 300 articles I don’t know. Better to focus on what you can make jokes about than what you can’t.

Thanks,
          (Name Removed)